toothpastefordinner.com

Sun, Feb 22, 2009 at 4:15 AM

Hello,

I humbly crave your indulgence in sending you this mail, if the contents do not meet with your personal and business ethics, I apologize in advance. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly “CONFIDENTIAL”. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day.

I have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction, as I have been reliably informed of your discreteness and ability in transaction of this nature. Let me start first by introducing myself properly to you.

I am Mr.Davis Adams, of Dept of Bill and Exchange with Barclays Bank in the United Kingdom. I need your consent to handle this transaction because it entails a large amount of funds (6.4 Million GBP) deposited by a deceased customer in our bank who died long time ago but has an open beneficiary mandate on his file though, there has not been anyone from his family to make claim of this funds.

THE PROPOSITION:

I wish to know if we can work together. I would like you to stand as next of kin to my deceased client, who was among the people that lost their life in Kenya air crash in 2003, with the wife, children and entire generation.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/07/20/kenya.crash/index.html

He made some deposits to my bank, and died without any registered next of kin and as such the funds now have an open beneficiary mandate. Click on the link and see the details because this link gives a very comprehensive picture of what I’m saying. If you are interested do let me know so that I can give you comprehensive details on what we are to do.

I urgently hope to get your response.

Best regards,
Mr.Davis Adams

Of all the correspondences of this nature that I’ve received before, this one was the most elaborate, with a link to a legitimate news article and everything. Since he “craved my indulgence,” I decided to respond. Not as myself, of course, but as someone that would be interested in taking advantage of someone’s tragedy for their own financial gain… someone like Count Olaf.

What follows is my brief exchange with this Mr. Adams where I experimented with how far I could go before he gave up on me.

Sun, Feb 22, 2009 at 8:45 AM

Dear Mr. Adams,

Thank you for contacting me regarding this opportunity. You could not have caught me at a better time, as I have recently become the guardian of three unruly orphans after their parents’ death in a mysterious fire that destroyed their home. You probably saw this on the news, very tragic:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/world/news/baudelaires-perish-in-fire.shtml

As you can imagine, in the current economy it is hard enough for a man to take care of himself (even a man with such enormous talent as myself). Since we are speaking in confidence, I can reveal that the Baudelaire children have inherited a significant fortune that will soon become mine, due to a brilliant scheme I cannot reveal at the moment. Perhaps once this fortune is in my possession, you can help me store it securely at Barclays Bank.

But I digress. Please, Mr. Adams, tell me more about your proposal. While I await for the Baudelaire fortune to become mine, I am most interested in business transactions such as the one you propose.

I look forward to hearing from you with great anticipation.

Yours truly,
Count Olaf

Mon, Mar 2, 2009 at 12:23 PM

Dear Count,

I got your message and will prefer we have telephone conversation.

Please send your mobile number to enable me communicate you.

Regards

Tue, Mar 3, 2009 at 8:24 PM

Dear Mr. Adams,

Thank you for responding. I was getting worried that the deal is off.

While I would also like to have a telephone conversation, the orphans I mentioned in my previous correspondence have managed to cut off my telephone access (it was the young one, Sunny, who has very sharp teeth and chewed through the telephone cord. I’m sure you can appreciate my predicament). Currently, I can only communicate via e-mail and regular postal mail.

Perhaps if you describe how we should proceed, I can arrange to have the Baudelaire children away for a night when we can properly talk.

I very much look forward to hearing more about this transaction and how you would like to split it. I should say right away that I will not settle for less than 50%.

Sincerely,
Olaf

Wed, Mar 4, 2009 at 7:31 AM

Hello,

I acknowledge your mail. I want you to know that this transaction is very crucial and should be accorded seriousness that it demands. I work with the Bank where this fund is deposited. I want you to know that we will do this transaction under a strict legal arrangement where no law of any nation or organization or country will be violated.

My customer, died in the year 2003 from Air Crash and left some amount of money with my bank. After making the necessary account balancing, I discovered that he left a total of Six million four hundred thousand pounds (6.400,000.00 GBP) with my bank and without any registered next of kin.

It is now very obvious that he died intestate, as I have already made further enquiry to ascertain this. And this is where and why I contacted you, as the money is now marked unclaimed with my bank. If nothing happens and nobody comes up for the funds, the bank will reclaim it, as that is the bank’s policy with such unwilled funds. I now solicit your sincere cooperation so that we can work together to get the funds out of the bank before it goes back to the bank.

I would want us to have a fifty-fifty share of the funds as soon as it is cleared from the bank. Do not worry on how to do this, as I am here to give you the best advise on how to make it. You will represent to the Bank as the Next of Kin to my late customer and demand from the bank to release his deposit to you that you are the only surviving next of kin, I will check in the Bank’s account opening archive and bring out every information which the Bank may want to demand from you in order to approve you as the next of kin. I want you to be ready to do this transaction with me.

To this effect, I will like you to know that I will prepare an application to you, which you will send to the bank mandating them to release the fund to you.

The following information will be required for preparation of documents, which you will send to the bank.

I will need the following from you,

1) Your names in full

2) Your address

3) Your telephone number

4) Your age

5) Your sex

6) Your marital status

7) Your Occupation.
As soon as you make these available to me I will draft the application and will detail you once more on what we are to do.

I will be waiting for your response.

Yours,
Davis

Wed, Mar 4, 2009 at 10:16 AM

Dear Mr. Davis,

I understand now what your scheme is! You want me to act as the next of kin so that we can collect the fortune we both know we are entitled to. Well, you have come to the right man, for I am a brilliant actor! In fact, this reminds me of the time I tried to collect the Baudelaire fortune in a very similar manner, but those three pesky orphans managed to get in the way. I guess great minds think alike, Mr. Adams!

Here is the information I am currently able to provide:

1) Your names in full: I go by many names, including Count Omar, Al Funcoot, and Shirley T. Sinoit-Pécer. However, my true name is Count Olaf.

2) Your address: I move around a lot, following the orphans.

3) Your telephone number: As I mentioned earlier, my telephone is currently out of service.

4) Your age: Old enough to conduct this transaction in full confidence.

5) Your sex: Male

6) Your marital status: Single

7) Your Occupation: The greatest actor in the whole world.

I very much look forward to hearing from you.

Yours in crime,
Olaf

Thu, Mar 5, 2009 at 1:30 PM

I guess you lack the credibility to execute the transaction with you.

Regards

Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 1:32 PM

Dear Mr. Adams,

I am appalled that you find me to be incredible! What have I said that led to this negative opinion of me? Why do you feel justified in attacking my character, when all I have done is entrusted you with my personal information?

In fact, Mr. Adams, I believe it is *you* who lacks the credibility.

Good day sir!

Count Olaf

I don’t expect to hear from him again, but I will update this if I do. It was fun while it lasted. Being told by a scammer that I lack credibility was probably the best part of this little experiment.

I only have 28 years 11 months 17 days 13 hours and 3 minutes to complete my changes and check them in.

There’s nothing quite like a commute home from work in the snow.

It started off with me slipping and sliding along the barely-cleaned sidewalks of Cambridge to get to my T stop. It’s really quite an adrenaline rush as you feel your legs slip in odd directions, anticipating the fall that is sure to follow, only to remain standing a moment later, with a false sense of security at having beaten the ice this time.

Later, having safely arrived at West Natick on the Commuter Rail, I was greeted with the beautiful sight of even more snow than in Cambridge. As I climbed over the mounds of snow piled up by the plows who don’t care about pedestrians, and as I tried (unsuccessfully) to avoid stepping in the deeper puddles of slush that accumulate on the sides of the road, I thought to myself, “Isn’t it great living in New England?”

When I finally waddled over to my car, I found that it was covered in a nice thick layer of pure white snow, waiting for me, challenging me, taunting me. After clearing most of the snow off the car and onto my clothes, I got into the warm car and started the final leg of my journey home.

Although I passed at least six plows along the way, the road was mostly still covered in snow. That’s understandable, of course, since it was only about 1-2″ on the ground and everyone knows that’s child’s play for your average Massachusetts driver. My Honda Accord took full advantage of the situation, sliding to the left and right on a whim, bouncing off of snow banks. What fun!

Finally, I arrived at home. Although I knew it was futile to begin with, I tried to drive up our long, fairly steep, unplowed driveway. I made it about half-way before the car started sliding backwards. Without being in Reverse. I accepted defeat, parked the car at the bottom of the driveway, and walked up the hill toward the house. I’m happy to report that I only almost fell twice. I consider that an accomplishment.

New England winter, I <3 you.

I dream in emails, worn-out phrases
Mile after mile of just empty pages

– Keane, “Perfect Symmetry”

Computer: “Warning: out of dark matter!”

Leela: “That’s not a warning! A warning is supposed to come before something bad happens.”

Computer: “1 second until engine shut down.”

Leela: “That’s more like it.”

– Bender’s Game

- – - – - – -

– The Daily WTF

Try it out – there are a couple other images you can get if you refresh.

This is a great example of fairy doors that are funny and don’t get in the way of the main goals for the website.

[Thanks to Jeff for pointing this out.]

Answers:

Usually it means it might be dead…..

Are you for real? do you stop breathing when you sleep? Try to wake him otherwise bury him.

OMG R U SERIOUS? Whether or not you are just take your cat to the vet and relinquish ownership. Do not adopt any more animals. For their sake. Please

How long that has been happening? I hope not very long.

And probably best of all:

You need to introduce him to your fish who was floating (sleeping) at the top of the tank earlier. But don’t flush him. It will clog your toilet =/

And make your next pet a rock.